COOKIES

You might be surprised to know that the existing and antiquated telephone cables in many areas are not only capable of supplying text, images and sounds to your computer; but also distribute FOOD! Various websites supply "Cookies" to your computer, forming its staple diet. These cookies are, of course, not cakes or biscuits as we know them. These have to be compressed to a very small size to allow them access. (Cookies are also subject to Kosher law, and also contain no animal fats.) If you see a "window" on your screen that tells you "The computer has performed an illegal operation" - this means that it has taken cookies from a website without permission and has therefore stolen them. To avoid legal action being taken; press the CARRIAGE RETURN key. This allows the cookies to return to their original source. (Make sure the keyboard is correctly aligned first.) You will then avoid being charged, either financially or through the courts.

COPYING AND PASTING 

The copying and pasting function is the method by which text is replicated. Various manuals make this operation quite clear, but occasionally you might need to check on the paste reservoir accessible from the back of the computer. Older models possibly have an inlet pipe with an opening to allow fresh paste to be added, but this should only be done after seeing a "LOW PASTE" warning on the screen. More modern computers are supplied with paste automatically via the Internet Service Provider each time paste is used, or when you are connected. Always allow copied material a few minutes to dry thoroughly before going on to your next task. Due to an inherent fault in computer design, material copied is always hung out to dry BEFORE being pasted. This is attached to a "clipboard" and is merely an intermediate stage before the text is soaked in paste. However, the blue highlighting ink used before transferring it dries instantly and can be used again.

DRIVES

The "Floppy Disk" is so-called because it is rigid and square-shaped, whereas the "CD Rom" is much thinner and disk-shaped. The term "CD" is used to differentiate it from the "C Drive" which is the "archive" of the computer. The rigid square object is also known as the "A Drive". The word "Rom" is an acronym for Rotating Operations Menu, and like the floppy disk, both can be used to impart data to the computer, whilst the latter can also be used to copy data FROM the computer. The "B Drive" is the book or manual and should never be inserted into the computer, but if your scanner is sufficiently deep, it can be placed into it and the entire book scanned. This prevents the necessity of having to read the book as the contents are digested and stored on the C Drive, which will then be known as the "Hard Drive".(C for concrete.)

LANGUAGES

Although English is the most commonly used language on the internet, anyone wishing to use a different language will be able to access various accents and other diacritical marks to enable proper punctuation etc. Many people favour using the Javanese alphabet which has its own script, and the 12 "F"s at the top of the keyboard are used by the indigenous population of Eastern Greenland who use a tonal dialect of the "Inookchitut "language. Syllables are sung in twelve degrees of volume with ffffffffffff being extremely loud. One advantage of the standard keyboard layout is the ease with which the word "WERT" can be typed as it is the longest word to appear in a chronological sequence. It is rarely used now though, but it is the second person singular past subjunctive of the verb "To Be". Spelt backward it is "TREW" meaning a trouser.

MICE & MEMORY

Although it is possible to achieve most of the functions of the mouse by using the keyboard, it is now regarded as an essential feature of the computer and is an easy and convenient tool to use. Almost all mice are connected to the computer and have largely superseded the clockwork variety which had a tendency to fall off the desk when fully wound. Mice are best used by moving over a special mat for that purpose. I personally found a coconut doormat very inconvenient until advised accordingly. Castanets are good substitutes for mice and click well too. As mice have a bad sense of direction, they are assisted by a small arrow on the screen provided by the RAM (Rapid Arrow Movement). RAM usually has a very good memory but if it becomes forgetful at any time, additional memory can be bought and installed. Great care should be taken when installing memory as there is a risk of static discharge so should be performed by a competent statistician.

RECYCLE BIN

Each time you delete any material it is discharged into the recycle bin. Here it will remain until you either choose to restore it to its previous location, or empty the bin and thus allow the contents to return via the internet conection to one of the 8 main computers from which all websites are transmitted. It is important to empty the bin regularly to allow vowels to be recycled by the internet. With English being very dependent on the letter "E", there is sometimes a shortage of that letter. There are presently 274 billion letter Es in circulation but few held in reserve. To help improve this situation, I sometimes type out the letter E a few hundred times about once a month onto a "Wordpad" document, then delete, then empty the recycle bin, thus allowing the letter to find its way back to the main computers. I regard this as "E Mailing" in its highest and most altruistic form! (Poles and Czechs are now being encouraged to recycle the letter "Z".)

SCREENSAVER

The screensaver can be set to appear as required and there is a large selection of different scenes to choose from as well as the option of customising your own favourite scene. It should always include at least one moving image and its only purpose is to provide entertainment for the mouse if you should need to leave the room. There are various patterns and pictures available, and I chose an underwater scene for mine. This also included fishy sounds as the fish swam around, but unfortunately, they kept getting caught in the internet. The term "Screensaver" refers to one of the internet banking services, the interest earned being the interest it holds for the mouse.

SEARCH ENGINES

When you wish to search for a specific subject on the internet and you don't know the address or "URL" (Universal Register of the Lost), a search engine will present you with all the websites that include that subject. Thus if you wish to know about "Bedford Coaches", you would key in those two words and be offered a list of sites that may include references to the City of Bedford, and Swimming Coaches. This might not seem to be useful, but it helps to remind you that everything in the universe is somehow connected. The term Search Engine is actually a corruption of the original "Search Angel" which referred to the practice in the 14th century of enquiring for missing people by petitioning Saint Antoinette the Explorer, long before she became the patron saint of computers.

VIRUSES

These malevolent cybernasties pose a serious threat to computers and can gain access via the internet, e mails, their attachments, and occasionally also by CD Roms. Constant updating of protection as recommended is strongly advised. Antibiotics are of no use, nor are antiseptic wipes. In the case of infection, adequate precautions will prevent contamination and damage to the computer, but care should be taken when emptying the DVD. (Dead Virus Drawer) at a later date. Do NOT allow contents to come into contact with the mouse as they could clog the roller ball. Such viruses have never been known to infect humans, and are thought to be harmless to animals, although the invincibility of fulmars and linnets to computer-borne viruses has yet to be verified.

IN CASE OF FIRE

Finally, if a fire should be discovered whilst you are at the computer, (flames or thick smoke are usual indications), immediately press the "Esc" key at the top left of the keyboard at the same time as the "Home" key on the right. You should then see the "Escape Home" page on the screen. This will display a map of your building, showing the recommended route to safety. You might wish to make a print-out to take with you as you go, but do make sure you save any unfinished tasks first, make a back-up onto floppy disk, and finally, after printing out your escape route, turn off the computer in the correct way. Do not bother to collect items from the DeskTop as this could waste valuable seconds.